Marriage

Marriage.

Lahhh lepas 5 tahun buat comeback terus topic berat ek😆 

Just another random thought time time pukul 1 pagi ni. 

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A 15 years old me would probably disappointed (or happy?) if she knows that this 28 years old girl version of her havent married yet.

The one who once said, "by 25, I MUST GET MARRIED. BY 26, YOU MUST HAVE A KID OF YOURS. MAKING YOUR PARENTS A GRANDPARENT."

Little that she knows, her 28 version of her still standing here.

Alone. Figuring what life is.

Figuring which countries she wanna go next.

Which license she wanna take after the diving license.

Figuring how to make her teaching life better.

Figuring how to tepis all the gossips people make about her just because she's talking to her man colleagues

Finding her lost sparks.

Figuring when she's gonna go for Nevis Swing🤭

This 28years old version of her is still alone.

With not even a slight blurry view of her jodoh.

With not even marriage in her mind.

Haha. Funny.

My 15years old would probably sees marriage as one of her achievement when she grew up.

But, her current 28th didnt even put marriage as part of her life goal. Not even close.

"Kenapa tak kahwin lagi?"

"Imah takde boyfriend ke?"

"Nak akak kenalkan dengan anak kawan akak tak?"

"Mah, ibu baba nak menantuu."

And all sorts of questions regarding jodoh.

Am I that blunt and blind to see all this? Am I that nonchalant when it comes to jodoh? Am I that feelingless when it comes to man?

The truth is I am in the phase yang 'aku nak, tapi malas pikir.' Haha

I am just at the phase where I put everything on HIM.

I fall everything on HIM.

I dont wanna think. I dont wanna act.

I dont wanna expect anything.

I just.... dont wanna get hurt...

Sumpah malas pikirr when it come to marriage.

Siapa nak saya, meh laa jumpa baba. Kita pm tepi. Haa gitu😂

Deep down... these are things I used to think and ask myself..

Do I wanna have my own family? Yes.

Do I wanna hold my own child? Of course.

Do I wanna feel the kick from inside of my stomach? YES.

Do I wanna have someone reliable to share my life with? A big yes.

Do I have a bit of jealousy seeing my friends started having their own little cute family? Yes. Sometimes. When the loneliness hits.

Do I have a vision of man that I want? Yes.

But, do I brave enough to approach man? No.

Do I wanna marrying just anyone just to feel the void? NO.

For me, life is much more than a man. Life has so much things to be taken for and be grateful for. But, I do wanna build my own family one day. In shaa Allah. If Allah will. 

I want a reliable man. Who will help without being asked.

A responsible man. 

The man who can lead cause I am still a struggling muslim.

The calm man. Soft spoken cause I am sensitive😌 

The one that when I see, my eyes would lit.

The one that is the calm to my storm. someone who completes me in every way, who can lead, who is responsible, who is the calm to my storm, who can accept every of my flaws, who can manage my strength without feeling insecure... who is kind and good to my loved ones and people around me.. who is the best for me in Allah's words.. who can help me being a better servant, wife, and mom?

Sounds heavy right? Tinggi betul standard perempuan ni😂 Tapi sebenarnya, I just want a man who brings me peace. Not another pain to deal with...

In the mean time, I will just wait for his sign, live my life to the fullest. And wait for that bravest man who is going to shake hand with my baba saying the akad. Cepat sikit ek kumpul keberanian tu sebelum saya 30 tahun. Please ek🤣 #nekannekan

So, where is that bravest man? 😛